hold on

There's always a sunrise and a sunset in every day.

Reminding us that bad days end and new days begin.
We can always begin again.
There is always new mercy and grace.

Hold on.

New days are coming.

swish swish swish

I woke with this first thought, "I need to get up and milk the goat."

Times have certainly changed. 

My first inclination as I roused from sleep was not to grab my phone and scroll through my instagram feed. My first inclination was to think of my goat Susie and how she needed to be milked. 

I changed out of my pajamas and threw on a denim shirt. Then, I pulled my hair back into a bun. 

As I walked sleepily out to the barn, I realized it was sprinkling. The raindrops lightly hit my head and began to wake me up a little more. I scooped the grains into an old styrofoam Taco Bell cup and carried it to the small fenced in space where Susie and Lou were. Susie heard the chain rattle against the gate as I unlocked it. She got up and made her way to the milking stand. I poured the grains into the stainless steel bowl and locked her neck into the stand by tying a rope around the wooden boards. She began to eat and I sat down next to her. As the milk began to hit the pail, I realized how much I was beginning to love that sound. Swish, swish, swish... Warm milk hitting the pail. Swish, swish, swish...  She is still and lets me milk her. We are bonding, her and I. Only a month ago, she wouldn't even let me touch her. We are learning how to help each other. And when her utter is empty, I stop and pat her side and say, "Thank you, Susie." What a gift she is giving to our family. I am thankful. 

In these quiet moments, I am at peace. I am not thinking of what I am missing on social media. I am not thinking of people that have hurt me. I am not thinking of what is not going right in my life. I am not thinking of bills and parenting struggles and how my kitchen is a mess. I am only thinking of milk hitting the pail. Swish, swish, swish...

Simple joys. 

Recognizing the beauty of what God has given me. Coming into my own. Not looking to the right or to the left. Not comparing my journey with someone else's. 

Staying in my lane. 

He wants my heart.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. 

I've been praying, crying, and praying some more. There's several big things I've been asking God for. Big, seeming impossible things. Dreams that are God-sized. 

I had a breakthrough finally the other day. I was begging the Lord for wisdom, crying out - "God, what do YOU want?" And you know what He immediately answered, as clear as day? He said in that still small voice -- "YOUR HEART." 

I learned in that instant - that the journey I'm on is not about the things God will or won't give me, the prayers that will or won't get answered in the way that I'm contending for. The journey He has me on is all about MY HEART.

It's about trusting Him, through it all, whether He answers my prayers or not. 

All we go through in life is a vehicle in which our hearts are refined. He uses our experiences, our waiting, our pain, all of it - He uses everything to draw our hearts closer to His heart.


 

security

"Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation." (Jesus Calling, 11/07)