hold on

There's always a sunrise and a sunset in every day.

Reminding us that bad days end and new days begin.
We can always begin again.
There is always new mercy and grace.

Hold on.

New days are coming.

swish swish swish

I woke with this first thought, "I need to get up and milk the goat."

Times have certainly changed. 

My first inclination as I roused from sleep was not to grab my phone and scroll through my instagram feed. My first inclination was to think of my goat Susie and how she needed to be milked. 

I changed out of my pajamas and threw on a denim shirt. Then, I pulled my hair back into a bun. 

As I walked sleepily out to the barn, I realized it was sprinkling. The raindrops lightly hit my head and began to wake me up a little more. I scooped the grains into an old styrofoam Taco Bell cup and carried it to the small fenced in space where Susie and Lou were. Susie heard the chain rattle against the gate as I unlocked it. She got up and made her way to the milking stand. I poured the grains into the stainless steel bowl and locked her neck into the stand by tying a rope around the wooden boards. She began to eat and I sat down next to her. As the milk began to hit the pail, I realized how much I was beginning to love that sound. Swish, swish, swish... Warm milk hitting the pail. Swish, swish, swish...  She is still and lets me milk her. We are bonding, her and I. Only a month ago, she wouldn't even let me touch her. We are learning how to help each other. And when her utter is empty, I stop and pat her side and say, "Thank you, Susie." What a gift she is giving to our family. I am thankful. 

In these quiet moments, I am at peace. I am not thinking of what I am missing on social media. I am not thinking of people that have hurt me. I am not thinking of what is not going right in my life. I am not thinking of bills and parenting struggles and how my kitchen is a mess. I am only thinking of milk hitting the pail. Swish, swish, swish...

Simple joys. 

Recognizing the beauty of what God has given me. Coming into my own. Not looking to the right or to the left. Not comparing my journey with someone else's. 

Staying in my lane. 

He wants my heart.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. 

I've been praying, crying, and praying some more. There's several big things I've been asking God for. Big, seeming impossible things. Dreams that are God-sized. 

I had a breakthrough finally the other day. I was begging the Lord for wisdom, crying out - "God, what do YOU want?" And you know what He immediately answered, as clear as day? He said in that still small voice -- "YOUR HEART." 

I learned in that instant - that the journey I'm on is not about the things God will or won't give me, the prayers that will or won't get answered in the way that I'm contending for. The journey He has me on is all about MY HEART.

It's about trusting Him, through it all, whether He answers my prayers or not. 

All we go through in life is a vehicle in which our hearts are refined. He uses our experiences, our waiting, our pain, all of it - He uses everything to draw our hearts closer to His heart.


 

security

"Your sense of security must not rest in your possessions or in things going your way. I am training you to depend on Me alone, finding fulfillment in My Presence. This entails being satisfied with much or with little, accepting either as My will for the moment. Instead of grasping and controlling, you are learning to release and receive. Cultivate this receptive stance by trusting Me in every situation." (Jesus Calling, 11/07)

trust and let go

Even though I've never seen your face, I miss you more than words can say.... 

Tonight, all of a sudden, a wave of grief came over me. I was having such a great day. I spent the afternoon looking through old pictures, mostly of Benjamin and Leo when they were babies. Seeing myself pregnant for the first time and as a young mom brought back so many memories. 

I didn't want my childbearing years to end like this -- with a miscarriage and thrust into early perimenopause. It seems so incomplete somehow. I've always seen myself with six children. And I guess technically I do have six children. But my heart aches tonight. Wishing I had not lost my baby. Thinking how my life would be so different now if I hadn't miscarried. 

I read this quote the other day - "It's ok not to be ok." And that's so true. It's ok that I'm crying for my lost baby tonight. And it's also ok that things didn't go as I had planned. One day, when I see Jesus face to face and I get to hold my baby, I will understand why this happened. But until then, I must trust and let go and then trust and let go again...

 

be brave // keep going

The brave ones are scared, but do it anyway. 

be brave

keep going.

metamorphosis

metamorphosis

evolution, rebirth, alteration, change, 

mutation, transformation, transfiguration

*****************************************************

It's been over seven months since I last blogged. Honestly, it has been a long season of grieving, questioning, searching, thinking, and seeking God. My miscarriage back in October really threw me for a loop. My faith was shaken. And the grief and sadness that came over me were like no other I had ever experienced before. And in the months that followed, I began to seriously think I was going crazy. I went to a doctor and found out that my hormones were all out of balance and began taking natural supplements and doing bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. It has been a long process, but I am finally starting to feel balanced. I am learning to eat healthier and take better care of myself. And I have found my peace with God. I am 100% not the person I was before I lost the baby. I am completely different. And I am so so thankful. Loss and pain and grief can transform us like nothing else can. I am more compassionate to those around me that are hurting. I am more dependent on God. I am more tranparent with others. These past nine months has been such a profound and life-changing season for me. 

So here I am, ready to plunge back into the world of blogging again. I know that I have something to say. I know that I have a story to tell. The enemy can't silence me anymore. There is healing that can come out of brokenness. 

 

He sees you

I've been thinking a lot tonight about the power of the hidden place. For years, I dreamed of singing on big stages and doing big things for God as a worship leader. Things changed when I started having kids. I stepped off the stage and into a home with diapers and baby food and Legos and endless laundry and dirty dishes. So often, I would cry in my kitchen as I swept the floor. I would get on my knees on the hard linoleum. And I would ask God why I never got to do the things in my dreams. And He began to do a work in my heart. He began to show me the power of the hidden place; the beauty of invisibility. The multitudes may not know my name, but HE knows my name. I may not have a microphone, but I have the ear of the King. He bends down low to hear the songs in my mouth. Every melody, every cry, every prayer - He is captivated. And He is listening. And my songs and prayers are doing something in the spiritual realm. >> So I say to you out there who are reading this - there is POWER in your worship and intercession in the secret hidden place. Your Audience of One is listening. You have stirred His heart to move and act. Do not despise your invisibility. HE SEES YOU!

It is Well

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You Lord

Through it all, through it all

It is well with me.

Jumping in the leaf pile

It was a beautiful (but cold) autumn day yesterday. The kids had a blast taking the leaves and then jumping in the pile! Ruth kept exclaiming as she jumped, "this is the best day of my life!!" I am sure they will remember this day...

release the sounds of heaven

Oh God, would You release the sounds of heaven? 

In our lives, in our homes, in our marriages, in our children;

in our churches, in our neighborhoods, in our cities? 

Would you use us, 

our worship; our prayers; 

our service to others; even the works of our hands; 

Would You use us to shift our atmospheres; 

to bring the healing power of the Holy Spirit

 to those who desperately need a touch from You? 

To release the sounds of heaven into wherever we are, 

to bring Your kingdom; 

to bring You glory!

You are my everything

why I have been so absent lately

One month ago today, I lost my sweet baby. I was ten weeks pregnant. 

It's been the longest and most difficult month of my life. 
But it has also been the most life-changing and transforming.

I am definitely not the same woman I was before this all happened. 

I am stronger. 
I am more tender hearted. 
I am more compassionate. 
I appreciate the little things more. 
I value my children more. 

I have never been more dependent on God, 
and my intimacy with Him is deeper and richer than ever before. 

There has been tremendous loss, but there has also been tremendous gain. 

Beauty has come from these ashes. 

And I find such joy and peace knowing that my baby is in the arms of Jesus. 

I am learning and growing and grieving and resting
and praying and worshiping and laughing and crying
and playing and receiving and giving.

I am His beloved, and He is mine.

sweet surrender

There is beauty in the dying; 

in the letting go of the old

 to make room for the new. 

There is joy in the surrender.

beauty for ashes

 

first day of school and Leo's birthday

Here's the first day of school - Leo and Benjamin were both sick and couldn't go to school. They were so sad!! So, here's just Ruth and Joseph on the first day. Ruth started 2nd grade and Joseph started kindergarten! 

Leo's birthday was also that day - he stayed home and rested. 

My big 9 year old boy!!

My sweet parents came up for Leo's birthday - he was feeling better by nighttime, so we all went out to his favorite Mexican restaurant for a birthday dinner. They gave Leo a golden throne to sit on! He was thrilled!

a little picture collage of our family birthday party that night for Leo.

Thankfully, Benjamin and Leo were well enough to go to school the second day. They started 4th and 5th grade. They are getting so big! What handsome boys... :)

There they all are!! I can't believe I have four children in school now! 

It's just me and Robby during the day now - so quiet!!

Here's last year's first day photo!I can't believe how much they've changed!

And here's Joseph last year - he wore the same shirt! haha!

It was wonderful having my parents up for a visit. We had such a nice time!!