trust and let go

Even though I've never seen your face, I miss you more than words can say.... 

Tonight, all of a sudden, a wave of grief came over me. I was having such a great day. I spent the afternoon looking through old pictures, mostly of Benjamin and Leo when they were babies. Seeing myself pregnant for the first time and as a young mom brought back so many memories. 

I didn't want my childbearing years to end like this -- with a miscarriage and thrust into early perimenopause. It seems so incomplete somehow. I've always seen myself with six children. And I guess technically I do have six children. But my heart aches tonight. Wishing I had not lost my baby. Thinking how my life would be so different now if I hadn't miscarried. 

I read this quote the other day - "It's ok not to be ok." And that's so true. It's ok that I'm crying for my lost baby tonight. And it's also ok that things didn't go as I had planned. One day, when I see Jesus face to face and I get to hold my baby, I will understand why this happened. But until then, I must trust and let go and then trust and let go again...

 

be brave // keep going

The brave ones are scared, but do it anyway. 

be brave

keep going.

metamorphosis

metamorphosis

evolution, rebirth, alteration, change, 

mutation, transformation, transfiguration

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It's been over seven months since I last blogged. Honestly, it has been a long season of grieving, questioning, searching, thinking, and seeking God. My miscarriage back in October really threw me for a loop. My faith was shaken. And the grief and sadness that came over me were like no other I had ever experienced before. And in the months that followed, I began to seriously think I was going crazy. I went to a doctor and found out that my hormones were all out of balance and began taking natural supplements and doing bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. It has been a long process, but I am finally starting to feel balanced. I am learning to eat healthier and take better care of myself. And I have found my peace with God. I am 100% not the person I was before I lost the baby. I am completely different. And I am so so thankful. Loss and pain and grief can transform us like nothing else can. I am more compassionate to those around me that are hurting. I am more dependent on God. I am more tranparent with others. These past nine months has been such a profound and life-changing season for me. 

So here I am, ready to plunge back into the world of blogging again. I know that I have something to say. I know that I have a story to tell. The enemy can't silence me anymore. There is healing that can come out of brokenness. 

 

He sees you

I've been thinking a lot tonight about the power of the hidden place. For years, I dreamed of singing on big stages and doing big things for God as a worship leader. Things changed when I started having kids. I stepped off the stage and into a home with diapers and baby food and Legos and endless laundry and dirty dishes. So often, I would cry in my kitchen as I swept the floor. I would get on my knees on the hard linoleum. And I would ask God why I never got to do the things in my dreams. And He began to do a work in my heart. He began to show me the power of the hidden place; the beauty of invisibility. The multitudes may not know my name, but HE knows my name. I may not have a microphone, but I have the ear of the King. He bends down low to hear the songs in my mouth. Every melody, every cry, every prayer - He is captivated. And He is listening. And my songs and prayers are doing something in the spiritual realm. >> So I say to you out there who are reading this - there is POWER in your worship and intercession in the secret hidden place. Your Audience of One is listening. You have stirred His heart to move and act. Do not despise your invisibility. HE SEES YOU!

It is Well

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can't see

And this mountain that's in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

Through it all, through it all

It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

It is well with my soul

Through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You Lord

Through it all, through it all

It is well with me.

Jumping in the leaf pile

It was a beautiful (but cold) autumn day yesterday. The kids had a blast taking the leaves and then jumping in the pile! Ruth kept exclaiming as she jumped, "this is the best day of my life!!" I am sure they will remember this day...

release the sounds of heaven

Oh God, would You release the sounds of heaven? 

In our lives, in our homes, in our marriages, in our children;

in our churches, in our neighborhoods, in our cities? 

Would you use us, 

our worship; our prayers; 

our service to others; even the works of our hands; 

Would You use us to shift our atmospheres; 

to bring the healing power of the Holy Spirit

 to those who desperately need a touch from You? 

To release the sounds of heaven into wherever we are, 

to bring Your kingdom; 

to bring You glory!

You are my everything

why I have been so absent lately

One month ago today, I lost my sweet baby. I was ten weeks pregnant. 

It's been the longest and most difficult month of my life. 
But it has also been the most life-changing and transforming.

I am definitely not the same woman I was before this all happened. 

I am stronger. 
I am more tender hearted. 
I am more compassionate. 
I appreciate the little things more. 
I value my children more. 

I have never been more dependent on God, 
and my intimacy with Him is deeper and richer than ever before. 

There has been tremendous loss, but there has also been tremendous gain. 

Beauty has come from these ashes. 

And I find such joy and peace knowing that my baby is in the arms of Jesus. 

I am learning and growing and grieving and resting
and praying and worshiping and laughing and crying
and playing and receiving and giving.

I am His beloved, and He is mine.

sweet surrender

There is beauty in the dying; 

in the letting go of the old

 to make room for the new. 

There is joy in the surrender.

beauty for ashes

 

first day of school and Leo's birthday

Here's the first day of school - Leo and Benjamin were both sick and couldn't go to school. They were so sad!! So, here's just Ruth and Joseph on the first day. Ruth started 2nd grade and Joseph started kindergarten! 

Leo's birthday was also that day - he stayed home and rested. 

My big 9 year old boy!!

My sweet parents came up for Leo's birthday - he was feeling better by nighttime, so we all went out to his favorite Mexican restaurant for a birthday dinner. They gave Leo a golden throne to sit on! He was thrilled!

a little picture collage of our family birthday party that night for Leo.

Thankfully, Benjamin and Leo were well enough to go to school the second day. They started 4th and 5th grade. They are getting so big! What handsome boys... :)

There they all are!! I can't believe I have four children in school now! 

It's just me and Robby during the day now - so quiet!!

Here's last year's first day photo!I can't believe how much they've changed!

And here's Joseph last year - he wore the same shirt! haha!

It was wonderful having my parents up for a visit. We had such a nice time!!

mug swap 2014

I had so much fun participating in Kim's Mug Swap 2014! (If you'd like to read about my mug swap experience last year, click here.) It's such a great way to meet new people and also bless someone in the process!

This year my partner was Ashley. She loves Africa, missions, Jesus, bright colors, and sunflowers. :) So, I prayed that God would lead me to just the right mug and other goodies to encourage her and make her smile! I was so excited to find this gorgeous mug because it was handcrafted in Tunisia, off the northern coast of Africa. I also found that great journal with a map of the world on it! There's also chocolate, coffee, tea, and some cute sunflower stickers! 

And I made Ashley this necklace, too - just because :)

And this is what I got from my partner Amber! Look at that gorgeous mug!! I love it so much. 

She really outdid herself! So many wonderful things! Jewelry she made with beads from Africa, super cute tea towels, an adorable cherry printed reusable shopping bag, chocolate, fun straws, ribbon, and even suckers for the kids!

Happy girl with my new mug!! :) 

live. love. laugh.

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All in all, the mug swap was a wonderful experience!!

(linking up here - click to see all the other mug swaps!)