trust and let go
Even though I've never seen your face, I miss you more than words can say....
Tonight, all of a sudden, a wave of grief came over me. I was having such a great day. I spent the afternoon looking through old pictures, mostly of Benjamin and Leo when they were babies. Seeing myself pregnant for the first time and as a young mom brought back so many memories.
I didn't want my childbearing years to end like this -- with a miscarriage and thrust into early perimenopause. It seems so incomplete somehow. I've always seen myself with six children. And I guess technically I do have six children. But my heart aches tonight. Wishing I had not lost my baby. Thinking how my life would be so different now if I hadn't miscarried.
I read this quote the other day - "It's ok not to be ok." And that's so true. It's ok that I'm crying for my lost baby tonight. And it's also ok that things didn't go as I had planned. One day, when I see Jesus face to face and I get to hold my baby, I will understand why this happened. But until then, I must trust and let go and then trust and let go again...
I am so very sorry...grief takes as long as it takes and, for some of us, never quite leaves. God's plan is best although His plan still breaks my heart. "If we are going to be made into wine, we will have to be crushed; you cannot drink grapes." ~ Oswald Chambers ~
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfectly poignant quote for all of us going through Life's troubled journey.
DeleteLora - found your shop and read your blog a long time ago... then came across it again when I saw your name pop up in my Pinterest feed. Don't think it was a coincidence... more of a God-thing. I am SO sorry for your loss! This post hits home for me... we had 3 miscarriages in the span of a year. It came out of the blue b/c we never had any issues prior, had a healthy son already. It knocked me to my knees, and almost took my life after a septic infection/D&C/blood transfusions/ICU stay. It was tough! Now 3 years later, and 2 more healthy babies with us... I wouldn't change it. My faith has grown SO much, and I clung to the truth that my Father is a GOOD God and wept with us too when we lost our babies. I have also been able to connect with so many other women that have lost their babies too sadly... I hope your faith will be deepened and your heart comforted. <3
ReplyDeleteOh Lora, I had it on my heart to come and check in on you and I find this post. I am so very sorry my dear. My heart goes out to you. I grieve your loss with you, friend. Many prayers of comfort.
ReplyDeleteHello Lora~ I too just looked you up "out of the blue" today and found your blog again. (I had made some purchases through your Etsy store long ago~lovely projects, they became too~!)
ReplyDeleteI am so *very* sorry to hear about the struggles you and your family have been through! ((hug)) My emotions were tugged as I read your story of loss. LIFE can seem so unfair at times; and we can feel so alone and isolated.
You DO have much to share and *give*. Grief can give you a perspective that nothing else can. Are you journaling through your weeks?…….even short phrases or thoughts?
I encourage you to do what your heart tells you. The Holy Spirit is in you and speaks in His still, small voice when we have a quiet heart.
I send you my love as a sister in Christ,
♥Carolyne
Oh girl. I am so sorry. I had no idea. Miscarriage is a strange pain. It's club that so many are in, but you don't know about it til you're in it. And you don't really want to be in it. It's crazy how you can miss someone you never met, like you said. For me it's a weird feeling of what if. Of I would have a two year old right now. I wonder that that baby would be doing. I wonder who it would look like. Was it a boy or a girl? Yet I know my babies are safe in the arms of my Savior. And I'll trust them to Him. Love you girl. Lifting you up in prayer. This season can be especially hard.
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