the writing on the wall

I want to write this story down while it's still fresh in my memory. So, that I can reread it later to encourage myself and remind myself that God is always speaking. That He is always reaching out to me to show me His love.

For those of you that know me personally or who have been reading my blog for a long time, you already know about my struggles with depression. It's been a battle for me for most of my adult life. I've seen some great victories and have witnessed God's powerful deliverance in my life. But as you know, there can still be setbacks and moments in your life where you have to fight for your joy.

Yesterday, I got hit pretty hard. The sadness came over me like a flood. And I couldn't stop crying. I felt so overwhelmed, so far from God, so "stuck". Eventually, I was able to fall asleep and take a nap. When I woke up, I still felt so sad. And lonely. And worst of all, did not feel the presence of God. I went downstairs and asked Clint to come up. He laid on the bed next to me and held my hand. He listened. He prayed. And prayed some more. I felt a little bit better. But, I still did not feel very close to God at all. He seemed so far away.

I asked Clint if I could go out for awhile to clear my head. He said sure and he watched the kids and fed them dinner. I left, still teary eyed, but excited to go thrift shopping. Which pretty much always cheers me up. God met me at the thrift store and I found so many little vintage treasures. And treasures that I've been looking for for a long time.

a beautiful handmade quilt rack with little heart cutouts and handpainted details on the sides

a sweet vintage napkin holder 

(i've been looking for one for like a year)

a huge lot of greeting cards and stationary (like 50 cards with envelopes!), vintage patterns, magazines, a paperback copy of "The Help", and a garden flag
{all the things that God knows that I LOVE!)

When I got to the checkout counter, I knew I was going to have to put some things back because I only had a ten dollar bill. I told the girl at the counter that, and then she said, "Just take it all."

I felt so blessed. God had those little goodies waiting me for me at the thrift store. He knew they would make me smile.

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I was feeling a little bit better now, and decided to go to a nearby Indian Restaurant to pick up some to-go dinner for Clint and I. Y'all know how much I love Indian Food!

This is the absolutely amazing part - the part I didn't want to forget. The part where God came down and met me in a bathroom stall in an Indian Restaurant. Yes, you read that right.

I ordered my food, and had about 15 minutes to kill. I was going to go to the dollar store next door. But first, I stopped into the bathroom there in the restaurant. And as I sat down, I noticed something written on the stall next to me. I started to read the writing on the wall. And the tears started to fall. I read and read and read again. And I knew, in that moment, that God had come to speak directly to me. And that He was reaching down to let me know that He sees me. That He knows what I am going through. That He cares. And that I am not alone.  I quickly copied the words down on the back of a receipt that I found in my purse. Here they are:

no words. 

I sat there on that toilet, crying and praying. 

And allowing Him to wash me clean again. 

And allowing Him to pour out His love into my heart.

I am constantly amazed at the great lengths that God will go to to communicate His love for me and remind me that I am never alone.

Late last night, as I was thinking about all that had happened over the course of the day, I took a pen and wrote "choose joy" on the inside of my wrist. A reminder for me that joy is a choice. Gratefulness is a choice. 

That when the enemy attacks me with self-pity and loneliness, I can choose in that moment to walk in JOY. I can remember those moments (like in that bathroom stall) when God reached out to me in compassion and mercy and pulled me (yet again) close to His side. I can remember that He is FOR me. That He is on my side. That I am never alone!